Life Pocketted

I smell coconut
It's really hot today...
I wanna go home.

I keep listening to this Fergie song, "Big Girls Don't Cry." I don't really like Fergie, but this song is really sweet. I think we all feel like this sometimes... That it's time to let go and move on gracefully. I wish I could do that. I wish I could let go of everything and be okay. 

Believe it or not, I love life. 

I hope you know
I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal
Myself and I
We got some straightening-out to do.
And I'm gonna miss you
Like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move-on with my life.
It's time to be 
A big girl now.
And big girls don't cry.

I'm cold.
Laughing and smiling but in reality
I'm cold.

So many things to be happy for in life
And so many dreams to chase
Some of them practical and straight
Others profoundly impossible.
So many faces to see and hands to hold.
My own future is a blur of all this fantasy

So why then do I sit here 
Bleeding from my heart into my fingers
To let out this anger and hopelessness
That should be happy and incredible at this time?
I'm so damn plaintive.
And I'm cold.

 

Sometimes I'm feel so lonely, even if I'm surrounded by people. I guess that's what millions of writers have expressed over the span of time humans have walked the earth. It happens when you feel that no one really is there to talk about things that make you feel singled out or emotional. I know HE is there... but I can't always be myself around him... and I definitely can't share what's in my heart with him most of the time... He just gets angry or defensive or thinks I'm being stupid. Those are the times that I wonder if this is how a marriage is supposed to be. but I love him, and I know he loves me. I don't know where our lives are going and I don't even know if we are meant to be... but in this moment, this point in time... He is my life. I love his smile and I love how he is when he's happy... Like a child, he seems so innocent... and I know he wants to be there for me and he wants me to be happy... But when he's tired, hungry, cranky, sleepy, etc... I just don't know. 

I feel like his family judges me on everything.. I love them a lot, but someone is always complaining about someone else.. and I don't want to be in that line of fire. So who's left? My family.. yeah right... My mom is just as judgemental, Aisha is so caught up in trying to be an adult, she doesn't realize she skipped a while life chapter called Maturity. My friends never call anymore... is that because I have a different life now? Have I changed? I just want to go back to those moments... when everything seemed to make sense, and if it didn't, then it just was what it was. No contemplating, no confusion. I never really had anyone to curl up with and cry... I've always been a little bit alone. I'm going to make sure my future children (inshallah) have a strong relationship with me... because when you are a loner all your life, it gets back at you when your older and things DO require contemplation and thought, and confusion is rampant and demanding on your mind. 

It feels better to write it somewhere... not as good as speaking, but at least I'm not holding it in completely now. 
Thank you Allah for everything you have given me.. I shouldn't be whining like this.

Locked away
Key thrown out
No more time
To sit and pout
Time to go
Grow up now
Want to resist
Don't know how.
More and more
Memories fade
Can't go on
Just too afraid.
But often it seems
Look to the shelf
Can't hold back
Beside myself.
Must turn away
Learn to cope
Can't leave behind
My jar of hopes.

Faith is only what your heart sees
That which is unknown to the eyes
And untouchable by human flesh.
Moving my heart back to light
Away from the shallow darkness
We all so often fall victim to.
So I put my faith in you
Knowing you have put yours in me
To rise away from that deep pit
Against a seemingly impossible current
Over every obstacle
Into the warmth and serenity
Of arms that bring a spark of life
To my utterly frail drowning soul.